reflection.

it's been a long while since i sit down calmly at my desk/bed, thinking of everything.

looking around in my twin UN-suite room with my brother. it's kinda messy. in fact, very. things are everywhere. accumulating from all the shopping i've done almost everyday. letters pilling, magazines stacking, bags flying and receipts all over. time to clean up my room.

looking at my hands, particularly my right wrist and left ring finger. grabbing my right wrist, i tried to move it a little, rotate a little and sway a little. it hurts. this really hit me quite badly. even doing simple things like taking something from my bag, it hurts. thinking i can never play the sports i used to love anymore, canoe polo, climbing, basketball and many more. this hurts really badly. even simple gym routine or every push ups or chin ups. i'm screwed.

looking at my mac and calendar. it reminds me how many day i have left here. less than a month, to be exact 29 days. and i realised i havent really had a proper good meal with my family since i came back. i've been meeting new friends and old friends, but not cherishing the time with my love ones, my family. sis is always busy working, bro is schooling and enjoying every moment of freedom he has, and of course always playing with the cool stuff that belong to his brother, me. 4 more weekends to play with. the most 1 more polo session so that i can get my paddle back. i shall reserve one saturday for them at least.

looking at my new luggage i bought few days ago. it seems so big. i'm not sure if i'm bring so much to london this time. havent started packing, is it too early? am i ready to leave again? many told me the second time leaving will be much more painful than the first. i hope that's not true. i'm already feeling the pain and loneliness in london again. those days when i have to scrimp and save EVERY SINGLE PENNY. those days i have to worry everyday about tomorrow. those days i have to plan penny to penny for my holidays, dinners, outings and entertainment. those days when i'm doing something that i dont really like and still not doing well at it at all, or rather very badly. those days when everyone else around me understands full what they're doing/studying except me. i know nuts. those days when i have to cook my own meals everyday, prepare my lunch the night before, and have cold/microwaved food at the EE foyer. those days when i keep telling myself to go gym but never. those days when time passed so fast that i don't even realised until the end. back to those days again.

looking at my new love one, my canon EOS 450D. and my other family of camera, total of 1 canon, 2 pentax, 1 desderi and 1 old school holga! i hope to replace my desderi twin lens to a desderi quad lens! i want a new lens too! im waiting for my holga multicolour flash to come! films are expensive, processing is EVEN more expensive. =/ i should start saving up.

looking at my clock now, i should get out of the house and roam the streets!